Thank you for your last letter. I'm always so blown away by your ability to accept your punishments with such grace. It takes everything I have to accept mine, and for you to actually agree that they're for the best is amazing. Maybe one day I'll be able to do that. I think I'm definately still resenting the fact that Ruth (and sometimes Burke) spanks me. I just feel that I'm too old to be spanked! And especially since it's usually for things that I think are so minor! I think that Ruth should start respecting the fact that my parents didn't spank me, and stop trying to make me one of them. Sorry...I'm venting. This has been a rough week. I've been spanked twice, and both times I really didn't think that I deserved to be punished at all, let alone something as severe as a spanking!
The first one was on Monday morning. I had stayed up late Sunday night to study for my math test on Monday. Not that I hadn't been studying all that past week, but Ruth had me so afraid of being spanked for a bad grade again that I just wanted to desperately to do well. So anyways, I slept in a bit late on Monday morning. Ruth was home, and she takes the girls and I to school on her way to work, so she knew that I hadn't come down yet, or heard me at all upstairs showering or moving around, and she didn't do anything! She didn't come and make sure I was awake for anything!
When I rolled over and opened my eyes, my alarm clock said 8:10. We leave at 8:20 every morning. I didn't know why my alarm didn't go off, and I didn't care. I jumped up out of bed and threw on the first thing I saw, grabbed my books andn ran downstairs to find Ruth and the girls calmly sitting at the kitchen table finishing breakfast.
"Why didn't you wake me up?!" I demanded. They all turned and looked at me.
"Sorry?" Ruth said.
"You knew I wasn't awake and you just let me sleep! Why?" I asked, not at all concerned with sounding respectful.
"First, please don't take that tone with me Alana. Second, it's your responsibility to make sure you're up and ready for school on time, not mine" Ruth responded calmly.
"Ugh, I can't believe this" I spat.
"Girls, why don't you get your books together and put your coats and boots on" Ruth said to Rachel and Hannah, who obediently got up from the table, giving me worried glances, and left the room.
"Here, why don't you quickly have some breakfast Alana, it'll wake you up" Ruth said.
"No! I don't want breakfast! I want to know why you didn't wake me up! You knew I was sleeping, and you knew my test was today! What were you going to do, let me just sleep through it, and then get me in trouble later for missing school?" I practically screamed at her. I was sleep-deprived and extremely irritated with her, to say the least.
"Again, Alana, you're very aware that it is your responsibility to get up and ready on time" she said calmly, which infuriated me even more.
Before I continue, I want you to understand where I was (and am) coming from. I feel that she was almost sabataging me. What kind of a parent would just let you sleep, knowing that you needed to be up? Why doesn't she help me? I know it's my responsibility to get up on time, but it's not like this has been an on-going problem. This is the first time in the six months I've been living here that I've slept in. WHY wouldn't she just help me this one time and wake me up? What kind of a parent does that? I was (and am) feeling very betrayed and alone. That's why I said what I did to her that got me into so much trouble.
I didn't say anything at first. She poured a glass orange juice and tried to hand it to me. With one swipe I knocked it out of her hand and it landed on the floor, the glass shattering and juice flying everywhere. She just stared at me, looking shocked.
"Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?!" I screamed. "What kind of a mother does something like this! You go on and on about being such a good Christian and all that crap, but you're one of the most uncaring and ridiculous people I've ever met! You're the most un-Christian person, can't you see that!"
I almost instantly regretted what I said. Not because I felt badly. I fully believed everything I said with great passion. But, judging by the look on her face, I knew I was in serious trouble.
I thought of you instantly Janet. She raised her hand into the air, and I was sure she was going to slap me across my face. But she didn't. She must have changed her mind, because she slowly lowered her hand, still staring at me, her eyes drilling holes in mine with her fierce glare.
"Don't you dare speak to me like that" she snapped at me, more angry that I've ever seen her. I stood my ground, not wanting her to know that I was afraid of her.
"You get over here right this instant and clean this up" she yelled. I didn't move.
"You clean it up, it was your fault!" I said with a lot of attitude.
Rachel and Hannah appeared in the entrance to the kitchen to see what was going on. Ruth spotted them, and must have noticed that they looked a little afraid. I do feel a little badly because before I came to live here their lives weren't unpredictable or unstable at all. Perhaps I've added a little stress to their lives through these sorts of fights.
"Mommy?" Hannah asked. "What happened?"
Ruth turned to see them standing there, ready for school. She regained her composure, grabbed her car keys, then turned to me.
"Don't you dare move" she spat. Then she turned to the girls, and her tone shifted dramatically.
"Let's go get the car warmed up" she said, leading them outside.
Within seconds she was back inside, and into the kitchen. She had hold of my arm and was pulling me around the kitchen before I realized what was happening. She grabbed that horrendous spoon, and pulled me to a chair. I fought her the entire way, making it very difficult. I wish I could have gotten away from her, but she's just so much bigger and stronger than I am, I really had no options.
She pulled out a chair and began to half lecture, half yell.
"You will not speak to me like that Alana Lynn! I don't care how upset you are, you're to speak to your elders with respect! Do you understand me?!" I didn't respond, still too angry. "Do you understand me?!" she repeated even more angrily. When I still didn't understand she lifted her free hand, the one holding the spoon, high into the air and brought it back down, the hard wood crashing down onto my sensitive hand. If I had reacted quickly enough I would have been able to pull my hand away, but I didn't.
"Ahhhhhhh!" I cried, sucking air in through clenched teeth.
"I said, do you understand me?" she said, slightly less loudly.
"Yes!" I cried out at her.
"You're in serious trouble Alana. The second I get home from work tonight you're getting the strap. And believe me, it'll be a strapping you won't soon forget! You can think about that all day, while you're sitting on a sore bottom," she said, pulling me over her lap.
Again, I tried to fight, but she was too strong. She flipped my skirt up, and instead of wasting time pulling my panties down she grasped them with her hand and in one sharp motion, pulled them up into the crack of my bottom, like thong underwear. I gasped, thoroughly embarassed. She paid no attention. She violently grabbed my arm and twisted it to the small of my back.
She wasted no time lecturing me or yelling at me. She lifted that horrible spoon high into the air and slapped it down on my bottom harder than she ever has before. She did this quickly, but with extreme force. I kept screaming out in pain every time contact was made, but I didn't beg her to stop or tell her I was sorry. I was far too angry for that. She kept spanking severely and I kept screaming. I did stop fighting though, realizing that I really have no choice in this life than to do what she tells me to. When she finally stopped, she let go of me, and again, almost violently stood me up.
I was crying really hard, and tried to rub the intense sting and burn out of my bottom.
"Stop that right now" she spat. "Get that underwear back into place right now, get your bag, and get into the car" she said, without any kindness or compassion in her voice at all. I obeyed her, slowly and carefully pulling my panties back into place, whining at the pain it caused. I picked my bag up, and she had hold of my arm and almost pushed me out the door. She opened the front passenger door, and I got in. The girls were staring wide-eyed at me, still bawling. The pain of sitting on the seat only increased my problem, and I cried even harder.
Ruth got in and started driving.
"Mommy, what's the matter with Alana?" Hannah asked innocently.
"Alana is being punished, she was very bad this morning" Ruth said simply. Hannah said no more.
I did my best to calm my breathing and stop crying before we reached the school. I didn't want my friends to know I had been crying.
Ruth pulled up to the doors of Hannah and Rachel's school, and let them out. They exchanged loving good-byes, and then she drove next door to my school. She pulled up in front of the doors and turned to me.
"I will NOT have you speaking to me like you did this morning Alana. I hope I've made that very clear. You are to come home after school and go straight to your room and get into the corner. I'll be calling a babysitter for the girls. And believe me, if you're not in that corner when I get there, there will be serious consequences. You are going to be punished severely for your behaviour today, and it won't happen again. Do you understand" she lectured very angrily.
I didn't respond. I opened the car door andn started to get out. Ruth grabbed my arm, digging her nails into my flesh.
"I said, do you understand me! I want an answer Alana!"
"Yes" I said, crying new tears at the pain caused by her nails, as well as the pain of embarassment knowing that there were people around who could have been listening.
"Good" she said, and let go.
I shut the door, and ran inside and into the washroom. I tried as hard as I could to stop crying, and once I finally did, I splashed water on my face, and joined my friends upstairs in our class.
That was such a long day. Sitting on those hard school chairs, the pain was unbearable. I kept shifting to try to ease my discomfort, but it only seemed to get worse and worse. I couldn't concentrate on my test. All I could think about was the strap.
So that was my Monday morning. I'll write you the rest soon. It's hard to talk about...I'm having a lot of really hard days and am trying my best to deal with my feelings. I'm so thankful for you and your kind heart Janet. Thank you so much for always being there and listening to me.
Please write to me soon. I'm waiting to hear about the rest of that punishment you received for helping Cathy sneak out. How have you been lately? Hopefully you haven't been in as much trouble as I have!